


Requiem

by igottoomuchwriting



Series: Dear Evan Hansen Rewrite [4]
Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Angst, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Getting Together, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Suicide Attempt Mention, Zoe is kinda shit in this, but character development yall, discussion about mental health, its not really heavy but its there, light fluff, the boys talks about stuff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-14
Updated: 2019-10-14
Packaged: 2020-12-16 12:23:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,896
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21036194
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/igottoomuchwriting/pseuds/igottoomuchwriting
Summary: Connor and Evan are finally starting to go on dates and get closer. Zoe isn't too happy about that.





	Requiem

Dating Connor was better than what he thought it would be.

When Connor first asked him out, he was very scared. After Connor had convinced him that it wasn’t a prank and that he actually had a crush on Evan, he then had his own brain and Jared to worry about.

He constantly thought it was a prank, that Connor was going to make a fool of him so the attention of being a ‘freak’ and ‘weirdo’ would be taken off of him and put onto Evan. Everyone morning he expected to get a text that Connor changed his mind, or that he didn’t want to talk to Evan anymore because Evan was weird and a lot to handle. Evan wouldn’t have blamed him if he texted that. Hell, most days Evan can barely handle himself. It would just be selfish to expect Connor to be able to handle him.

Jared never really helped the situation either. Even though Jared was the one who pushed the two teens to get over their feelings and go on a date—though it wasn’t fun to learn that his friend ( _ family  _ friend, he quickly reminded himself) also pushed Connor into admiting to him that he liked Evan when Jared had given Connor no sense of security in the fact that he could trust Jared with that information—he loved to push Evan’s anxiety and make him imagine every scenerio that Evan can think of by himself.

“God, please tell me if he stands you up,” Jared had told Evan about a week before their date. “I could use it as ammo against him if he ever decides to go after me again in the future.”

“The school will get a kick out of this when they find out,” he laughed as Evan had called him about what to wear, what to say, what to  _ do _ . Of course, Jared didn’t give any helpful advice on this in the first place.

From Jared Kleinman:  _ he may just want sex man _

From Jared Kleinman:  _ gotta be prepared ;) _

Those texts did not help Evan in anyway. They were bad in themselves, but to receive them  _ 20 minutes  _ before Connor was supposed to pick him up sent Evan into an anxiety attack. When Connor picked him up, he had to help Evan calm down so that they could go on their date.

The first date was great. They didn’t do a lot, just went out to  _ Á La Mode  _ and walked around a nearby park. It was really close to what they did when they first started being friends and Evan was happy that it was calm. He didn’t like extravagant things, or being expected to act a certain way in certain places or restaurants. If they had gone to a restaurant, Evan would have been so scared about helping to pay or letting Connor pay by himself and it would have triggered another anxiety attack from the teen.

No, it was calm. Connor had even put some effort into his look, ditching his normal hoodie for a nice button up with a nice pair of jeans. Nothing fancy, he almost looked like how twenty percent of the boys at their school look like, but it was different. While they had walked around, he even asked to hold Evan’s hand. It took Evan about ten minutes to calm down from it.

But he liked it.

They went on two more dates after that one. They grew closer with each date, each text, each call, each ‘hello’ and ‘goodbye’. They held hands whenever they were alone, hugged each other when they met up, and they had even cuddled once when Connor’s whole family was gone. Evan was mortified when Connor put an arm around his shoulders when they started the movie, but by the end of it he was tucked into Connor’s shoulder and curled up against his side with the other boy rubbing his arm in comforting motions.

Evan thought it was going great. There were some days that Connor was closed off, angry, and would lash out at Evan for just changing his tone slightly. Evan would be scared when it happened, would apologize nonstop. He had learned to just give Connor some time to cool down from the outburst before asking what was wrong, why he reacted the way he did. He had to ask or Connor would never bring it up and Evan is horrible at reading body language. If he asked, Connor would explain why he had a knee-jerk reaction to a slight change in something. 

It was just things that they had to work on. Evan had to work on telling the truth, Connor had to work on apologizing. Evan had to work on his rambling when he wanted to avoid topics, Connor had to work on his knee-jerking reactions to little things that happen in his life. Neither of them are perfect, neither of them actually know what they are doing, but they know what to make better.

Neither Evan nor Connor told anyone around them that they were going on dates. Evan knew that his mom would be okay with it, but he also really didn’t want to sit down and have that conversation. She would be so happy that Evan had a friend, and now someone that could be his boyfriend, but if it didn’t work out she would be sad. She would try to comfort him but he would be able to tell that she was disappointed that he couldn’t keep the only relationship that he has had together.

Connor said he didn’t have anyone he wanted to tell. If he told his parents, that would also involve coming out and he thought that they would either think he is lying or that Evan was just a dealer that they had to separate his son from. Evan had asked if he would ever tell Zoe, but he never got an answer. Connor had turned away from him and coughed awkwardly, saying “Let’s just watch the movie”. He never pushed it again.

Evan was sure that they had it in the bag. He was sure. 

Zoe seemed to have other ideas.

Evan was sitting against his locker during lunch, quietly reading a book that Connor had recommended to him. If Evan was honest, he would admit that he doesn’t read much. It has nothing to do with his anxiety, but he just believes watching movies or TV is easier than reading. Though, when Connor started telling him about this book he had read Sophomore year, his eyes lit up and a smile spread over his face, Evan knew he had to read it. It made Connor so happy that he felt it was something he needed to experience as well. 

“Evan?” he heard a voice ask. Evan popped his head up to see Zoe standing in front of him. She didn’t look happy.

“Oh, uh, hi Zoe,” he stuttered out. “I’m sorry, were you there long? I didn’t mean to get so caught up in my reading.”

“You’re fine,” she snipped. Her tone had Evan flinching back into his locker, looking back down at his closed book. Evan heard Zoe let out a sigh. “Sorry, I just… I had a question for you.”

“O-Oh?” His hands immediately started sweating. Does she know about him and Connor? Is she going to ask if they are dating? What does Evan say? Connor hasn’t told her yet, at least he doesn’t think so. Should he lie? Tell the truth? What if she tells Connor’s parents? Or worse,  _ his _ mom. God, he can’t have his mom know yet. He isn’t ready for her to know that. What happens if Connor’s parents find out? Will they have to break up? Will Connor’s parents let Evan come over anymore? Will they think that Evan made Connor gay?

_ Did  _ Evan make Connor gay?

“You hang out with my brother, right?” she asked. Her arms were crossed over her chest. It looked like she was trying so hard to hide something. Was she angry? Sad? Evan honestly couldn’t tell.

“Y-Yeah. We hang out, uh, time to time?” Why did he end it like a question?

“Why?” Evan gave her a confused look. 

“What do you mean?”

“No one hangs around my brother,” she snapped. “I’ve never seen anyone from the school willingly talk to him. So, what’s the reason? Is he paying you? Are you his drug dealer?”

“No!” Drug dealer? The only drugs Evan even owns are his anxiety meds, and he would rather die than sell them and suffer with panic attacks. “I don’t even smoke drugs!”

Zoe stared at Evan, gaze studying him where he sits on the floor. Evan looked down at his hands in an attempt to avoid her gaze, but it was no use. It was like he could feel her eyes burning through him, knowing every secret about him and ready to expose it to the world.

“I believe you,” she mumbled. Evan let out a breath of relief. “But why do you hang out with my brother?”

“Because he is my friend?” Evan didn’t know how to answer at this point. He wasn’t going to out himself to Zoe, but what was he supposed to do? 

“Why?” she asked again, though she was more upset. 

“B-because he is… uh, nice? He returned something of mine, and we just kept talking So, uh, we’re here.”

“You think my brother is nice?” Evan slowly nodded his head. Zoe let out a laugh. “Evan, my brother is the farthest from nice someone can get.”

“I-I really don’t think that’s true,” Evan mumbled.

“Look, Evan,” Zoe started. “You seem like a nice guy. You even seem like someone who looks for the good in everyone! But you won’t find it in my brother.”

“How—” Evan started, but Zoe interrupted him.

“Whatever side of himself he is showing you, it’s not the truth. I know I may be a shitty sister for saying this, but I want to make sure that you’re safe.” 

Before Evan could question her any further, the bell rang, signaling to the duo that their lunch break was over. The hallways quickly started filling up with students and Evan jumped up from the ground, wanting to avoid being trapped between Zoe and his locker.

“I should, uh, go…” Evan mumbled.

“Yeah,” Zoe sighed. Evan grabbed his backpack and quickly joined the flow of students, thoughts spinning.

\---

“And just like that, you left?” Connor asked. 

It was Friday night, a few days after Zoe and Evan’s conversation. Connor had finally started feeling better so he immediately went over to Evan’s house after he got back from school. Evan didn’t mind. Even if he was afraid to admit it out loud, he had missed Connor, so spending some alone time with him was nice.

If only they didn’t have to talk about his sister and ruin the whole mood.

“Yeah,” Evan sighed. He and Connor were laying down on his bed with Evan laying his head on Connor’s collarbone. Evan was playing with the strings to Connor’s hoodie while Connor gently played with Evan’s hair.

“I can’t believe she thought that you were one of my drug dealers,” Connor scoffed. “ I mean, come on! You don’t even look like someone who has been around weed!”

“Hey! I could be a drug dealer if I wanted,” Evan huffed, lightly hitting Connor’s chest.

“Sure, babe,” Connor drawled sarcastically. “You would be the first person I would go to for a hit, you and all your blue polo and fucking khaki glory.” Evan shot a glare at Connor who just smiled back, fake innocence radiating from him.

“Meanie,” he mumbled, leaning back down to get comfy. Connor laughed at the weak attempt at an insult and Evan beamed. He loved hearing Connor laugh, and it was even better when he could feel it. 

“Why was she so evident that I couldn’t be your friend?” Evan asked after a few minutes of silent. Connor tensed up, his hand stopping movement in Evan’s hair and Evan panicked. “You don’t have to answer! It’s fine, I really shouldn’t be asking questions like that—”

“Evan, it’s fine,” Connor interrupted. Evan stayed silent, waiting for Connor to gather his thoughts and continue.

With a deep breath, Connor started. “Well, she doesn’t like me. That much is obivous—so fucking obvious that the tension between the two of us is one of the main topic at breakfast every morning.” Connor let out a laugh, but Evan knew it wasn’t because he was happy or thought it was actually funny. Besides lashing out, humor is how Connor dealt with a lot of issues.

“Ever since I got into drugs, she would try to figure out who my dealers are, try to find a way to stop me. And yeah, I understand where she is coming from, because I also wouldn’t want to be around me when I’m high. I’m not the best person in general, and when I came down from my highs I get worse.”

“You’re a good person!” Evan interjected.

“That’s a conversation for another day,” Connor dodged. Evan almost stopped him again, thinking it was a conversation they should be having now, but he kept quiet. “I have gotten loud and sometimes violent when I came down from my highs, having to come to the realization of shitty I am and how shitty everything around me is, but she has accused me of things I know I would never do, no matter how high or pissed I am.”

Evan was almost afraid to ask. What would Zoe accuse him of?

“You can ask,” Connor assured. Evan gave him an anxious look, almost asking if he was sure that he could. This was common between the couple, with Evan trying to learn to fight past his anxiety and for Connor to let personal questions be asked. 

“What has she said you’ve done?” Evan slowly asked. Connor stared up at the ceiling, preparing his answer. Evan grabbed his hand that rested on his head and brought it over his waist. He locked their fingers together and gave Connor’s hand a squeeze.

“She has said that I have threatened to kill her,” Connor choked out. “I know for sure that I haven’t because even if we aren’t on good terms, even if I did  _ fucking  _ hate her, I would never do that to her. I… still love her.”

Evan wanted to cry. Connor honestly talks from a place of hurt, a place of pain. Connor doesn’t have the best support system either, with his family wanting to see him as something that needs to be fixed and him lashing out against everything they do because of that. 

Yes, Connor could get better help, turn away from the drugs and start going to therapy, but he doesn’t want to. Evan knows that is the first step to receiving help, or else you are just going to get worse. Did Zoe know that? Did she know that her brother is attempting to cope in his own way? Even if she didn’t, what would make her want to tell Connor and others these things.

“Why would she say that?” Evan asked.

“She hates me.” Connor shrugged his shoulders, attempting to seem nonchalant in this horrible situation. “And honestly? I don’t blame her. I’m a pretty shitty person.”

“No, you’re not,” Evan reiterated. Connor shrugged his shoulder again, brushing off Evan’s concern. Evan wasn’t going to fight it right now. “Have you tried talking to her?”

“She won’t listen. She couldn’t give less of a fuck about my apologies, or about my explanations and even my fucking mental health.”

“Does she know a lot?” 

“She caught me trying to kill myself in the past,” he mumbled. Evan didn’t stay anything. What could he say? “So yeah, she knows that there is something fucked up. But she blames me for everything negative that happens.”

“She...there has been things, uh, said about her, right?” Evan mumbled. Connor took a deep breath, shaking his head.

“I’ve heard her say that people call her ‘the freaks brother’ or ‘sister of a shooter’.” 

“That’s—” Evan stopped. He is aware that people compare Zoe and Connor all of the time. It was a constant whisper through the halls, people wondering what it was like for Zoe to be ‘the best Murphy’. Calling Zoe those names seems like a double edged way to get at Connor, hurting Zoe in the process. 

“Yeah,” Connor agreed. “Everyone is shit. I’ve also heard her tell our mom that she is seen as the ‘freak’s sister’.” 

“I’m sorry, Connor,” Evan whispered. “You shouldn’t have to go through that. You deserve so much more, you don’t deserve your sister doubting that you can make friends.”

Connor let out a deep breath. He let go of Evan’s hand and rolled over, pulling Evan closer to his chest.

“Don’t be sorry,” Connor mumbled. He placed a kiss on the top of Evan’s head. “It’s just...life. My family may be shit and our school even shittier, but that’s nothing new.”

Evan tucked his head into Connor’s chest, gripping his jacket with a tight grip. Connor rubbed Evan’s back in an attempt to comfort him. 

Silence fell between the two boys as they thought over the conversation.

**Author's Note:**

> I'M SO SORRY THIS TOOK SO LONG TO GET OUT. I just kept hitting writer block and I’m in college so I’m constantly tired and just want to relax???? Haven’t been writing much except for prompts. And the fact that this is so short, I apologzie as well.  
Ignore the fact that I am now going to have two “if I could tell her" stories because they do not follow the same plot. I might rename one so that no one confuses them.  
And yes, I wrote Zoe as a low-key shitty person in this, but as I read the book and listened to the musical, she wasn't inncoent. (though i think that's the point of the musical. No one is innocent). Don't worry, there will be character development for everyone.  
Also, I learned that I've been spelling "comfy" wrong my whole life. I've been spelling it "comphy" which. Yeah. Have that fun trivia about the author.
> 
> If you ever wonder if I died, or just want to talk, come to my Tumblr!: igottoomuchwriting  
I open up my prompts when I have time and like to try and talk with you guys, so come hang out!


End file.
